STAY
by quinntanarivergron4life
Summary: Ever since the wedding Hook up Santana could not stop thinking about Quinn, she fell hard for the blonde after one night of passion, will Quinn feel the same way, or will she crush Santana's already broken heart! QUINNTANA ENDGAME .
1. Chapter 1

Ever since the wedding Hook up Santana could not stop thinking about Quinn, she fell hard for the blonde after one night of passion, will Quinn feel the same way, or will she crush Santana's already broken heart! QUINNTANA ENDGAME (feel free to comment this is my 4th Quinntana story there is one I am working on called **lego house** which I will update soon).

CHAPTER1: Prologue

Santana Lopez was never a girl to feel emotionally venerable to anything or anyone, she always hid her emotions very well (well except her abuela disowning her, and her failed relationship with Brittney) she never wanted to deal with emotions, they were to much to bear, learning from her past experiences she never wanted to come in contact with anything that had to make her feel weak, that is why she always had these snarky, sarcastic comments to support her badass image. But there was one person who knew Santana of by heart, who knew who she really was and everything she wants to be and tries to be, that one person that could call Santana on her shit and always keep her on her feet sometimes with a slap or two and that was the former HIBIC, American sweet heart, former frenemie and now best friend Lucy Quinn Fabray. Santana and Quinn had a very unlikely relationship, some would call it unhealthy, but they knew it was them being them, they were one and the same person, ever since high school they went from being best friends, to backstabbing each other and becoming frenemies, to becoming friends in their senior year and becoming best friends again when they started College and then becoming sexual partners at Mr schue's failed wedding.

Quinn always infuriated Santana, sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way, she became really mad at Quinn when she became stupid and got knocked up in high school, she gave her a tuff time because she cared, not that she hated her, its just that Santana always thought that Quinn gave her self the benefit of the doubt when it came to her relationships, Quinn's dating history was never one Santana was happy about, she always thought that her friend let men define her and she was so much more worth than that, Quinn needed someone who truly loved her and cared about her, she needed someone to show her that she is worth it that she is the only girl in the world. Santana also gets mad when Quinn tries to get on top by manipulating people, she does not need to do that, she has the brains and the beauty, these are one of the reasons why they had that awful smack down in the hallways of McKinley high, even the thought of it made Santana feel sick inside, Quinn had always been a smart girl with talents, she should never doubt that. Santana always thought highly of Quinn although she would never admit it to anyone even Quinn herself, but she truly adored her best friend. After yet another slap session on thanks giving they decided that it never happened and that it was a lapse of judgment, they kept in contact even with Quinn's busy schedule in Yale, and Santana's destiny confusion in trying to figure out what she really wanted in life, they always talked, Santana telling Quinn about her and Brittney's break up, and Quinn telling Santana about her break up with the over age professor she was seeing (which Santana was happy about). Their friendship seemed to mend and it seemed to be going at a normal steady pace that is until Mr shue's wedding on Valentines day, that day everything had changed between them.

Quinn was the one who flirted with Santana the whole night, which surprised Santana considering that her friend was straight as an arrow, but none the less Santana went with it, her feelings for Quinn began to surface when they slow danced, it felt right to Santana to be holding Quinn so close to her, to hear her heart beat against her chest, even with Brittney she never danced this intimately with her, even though they were a little bit tipsy, she did not mind to have these moments with her best friend, they were running down the hallway of the hotel singing and laughing, being in their own little world. That night when they kissed Santana could not stop thinking about how Quinn's lips felt right against hers and how she wanted to kiss Quinn forever, Santana knew that to Quinn it might have been an experiment, but to her it was more than that even though she did not admit it to her best friend, that is why when Quinn agreed on making it a two time thing Santana took her time with her and made sure to engrave the memory in her head forever. Quinn made it seem easy and that things would not be awkward between them after the passionate night, it kinda hurt Santana a little to see Quinn being happy with them just making it a one time thing, but what would be the odds that Quinn would actually want to be with her, so she took that moment between them to heart never wanting it to end, since they had both been exusted they slept in content in each other, Santana never wanting to let Quinn go, she knew she had to but she didn't , but the next morning when Santana woke up to find out that Quinn left without even saying a mere goodbye or leaving a note, she felt hurt and used, she felt cheap, it felt like her best friend did not even care to say goodbye, she tried calling her but Quinn did not answer her phone , again Santana left Lima un happy and this time it was because of Quinn, when she got back to New York, she continued with her life, but every now and then she would try and call Quinn but there was no answer, she was positive that Quinn was definitely ignoring her.

It hurt Santana that Quinn still communicated with everyone except her, it hurt when Santana would hear Rachel or either Kurt speak to Quinn so easily on the phone, but she never asked how she was doing, she wondered what she did wrong, she eventually let it go, she continued with her life, exploring New York. But the blonde was always on her mind no matter how hard she tried to erase her, it really destroyed her that the night meant so little to Quinn that she would cut all ties loose with her, Kurt and Rachel were oblivious to Santana's emotional round about, they thought that Quinn and Santana had a fight again, Santana let them assume what ever they wanted, she hid her emotions very well, she realized that she was in love with Quinn Fabray and there was no way in hell that she would ever return her feelings.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note: Mainly the first few chapters will be Santana's Pov , then we will move on to Quinn's hopefully in chapters 4 and onwards.

**Santana's Pov**

I feel so tried after yet again another night at the ballet class at NYADA, I have been putting on a lot of work in my dancing classes, I also work at an open night karaoke bar, so I am shifting between classes and singing. When Kurt and Rachel first took me to call backs and I sang my heart out (reason being the Quinn thing) the manager offered me a job to sing to the crowd on Friday and Saturday nights to keep them entertained, because he realized that I got talent after I got a huge standing ovation from the crowd and an encho I agreed it was better than nothing really, I mean ever since high school I wanted to make it big, not knowing how hard it would be, so I get paid doing what I really love hoping that some record label manager would walk through those doors and actually give me a shot. So every Saturday night and Friday night I would sing till late hours at callbacks and get paid 3000 dollars by the end of the weekend, then everyday from morning till afternoon I would go to my dance classes, I decided to quit all this cage dancing and bar hoping after my lovely friends Kurt and Rachel told me to stop throwing my life away, they have been really good to me ever since we have been in New York, we always have each other's backs, if 4 years ago someone would have told me that I would be friends with Kurt and Rachel and I would be shacking up with them I would have totally insulted them to the moon and back. I guess that my bad girl image is really fading, but I still did not admit it to anyone.

After having gone back to Lima to help My best friend Brittney out I realized that life is too short to throw it away, so I decided to take it more serious and do something worth it, it was sad to watch Brittney go to MIT even though we broke up, we have a history and she will always be my best friend. She gave me a little pep talk after I told her about the Quinn thing, Brittney was also one person who knew me and would always have a way of calming me down and showing me the positive side of life, before she left she told me to confront Quinn and see how she reacts and she told me not to be a coward, but I just couldn't do it. Kurt and I went back to New York after supporting the new directions when they won regional's, and also witnessing Mr shue get married for real this time, when we got back I decided to get my life in to order I still could not confront Quinn though, I was seriously scared to get my heart broken because she clearly wanted nothing to do with me so I decided to move on, when ever Quinn felt like she would be able to man up and get a stick out of her ass and come to me which I had totally doubted I would listen to her explanation of cutting me out of her life, I loved her that much to spare her the time and the day to explain her odd behavior, but from here on I am not the one that is going to make the first move.

I had too much on my plate and its been 2 months since we got back form Lima and since Brittney left for MIT, we still talk everyday and she keeps on pestering me about the whole Quinn thing, while I decide to dodge the topic every time she would bring it up. Besides I have a play coming up, my dance instructor decided that she liked my moves and my killer voice so she wanted me to perform for a big crowd at a charity event, the school is hosting to help with the arts and drama funding, so I agreed (Even though the whole stage Broadway thing is not my scene) I wanted something to keep me busy and distracted, plus I had grown to love dancing and signing so why not. I had a lot of things to practice, my dance moves and the songs, I had to also teach my team some moves, so lately I have been arriving at the loft very late, Kurt and Rachel Support me a lot and Rachel could have not been more happy, I remember when I told her she almost made me deaf with her screaming and blabbing about how she is going to help me, oh man hands and her loud mouth, I had practically proven to them that I am now a broad way queen like them, but I told them that it was just a performance, but still they could not stop saying welcome to the club, I laugh when thinking about that day, as I walk back to the loft taking every thing in, I still loved the atmosphere of New York even though there were some terrible things about it I loved it.

As I walk up to the loft, my body tired as hell just wanting to get some rest, I here some voices, thinking that Kurt and Rachel might still be up probably watching some horrible Broadway comedy or show since I heard laughing from the loft , I prayed to God that they would let me rest and not ponder me further, so I pulled the loft door open and just as I was about to put my things down I froze immediately, my heart was pounding at a rapid rate, my palms were sweaty and I began to feel dizzy, when I realized that Kurt and Rachel weren't alone, they were with the person that has been ignoring me for the last 4 months and the person that I had been dreading to talk to, there was Quinn Fabray in the flesh sitting with Kurt and Rachel laughing and telling them about her life in college, she was spotting a new hair do, she was now a red head, I totally thought she looked amazing, I couldn't keep my eyes off her , but then the pain came back of how she ignored me and cut me out of her life. I quietly put my things down hoping they did not notice me, I just wanted the whole ground to swallow me up, but I decided I had to face her somehow

"oh my Santana you are finally home and look who is here" Rachel beamed at me with excitement, I plastered a fake smile hoping that my emotions will not take the best of me, Quinn turned around and the moment our eyes locked my legs felt like jelly it seemed like she was looking deep into my soul, I could not read her facial expression, I felt like dying at that moment.

"Oh hi Santana lovely to see you again after a long time, I heard a lot of good things about your progression in New York, congratulations are in order, you are finally not throwing your life away" with that Quinn turned her back on me to continue her conversation with Kurt, to say I was hurt was an understatement, I was devastated, after four months of ignoring me and avoiding my calls, that is the first thing she says when she sees me, not even a hug and not even an I am sorry Santana for treating you like a cheap whore that fateful valentine's day night, no just a true Quinn style cold congratulations, what more did I expect , my tears were threatening to spill out but I could not let them, not here not after what she just said, I felt angry and hurt, to think I was going to give her a chance to explain her odd behavior, I just put on my best Façade and went with the flow

"thanks Q, its good to see you again, long time no see huh" with that said I went to the fridge to get my self a bottle of water I needed to literally drown my broken heart with water.

After the wired tension and greeting between me and Quinn Kurt decided to break the silence

"so Santana how is everything going" I looked up from my water bottle avoiding Quinn's eyes

"well everything seems to be going okay, I just need to push the people I am working with a little harder, they are just lazy, I need to unleash some aunty snix on them to get them to wake up, because I am getting tired and this thing is 4 days away, and the teacher is unleashing hell on me, she reminds me a bit of coach Sue" Rachel and Kurt laughed along with me

"well if you wanted us to help we could" Rachel offered, she still did not want to back out of what she called"the greatest moment in history for badass Santana Lopez" I just smiled at her

"okay hobbit you and porcelain can come and help" they squealed and jumped up and down ahh these two, it was never hard for them to up lift my spirits even with clear tension in the room

"Quinn too right, oh my God we have so many ideas and since she is going to be here for the next 2 months we will all team up together to make it awesome" Rachel said excitedly , when she said that the pain in my chest rose again, so great I am going to be stuck in the loft with Quinn Fabray for the next 2 months, she cant even look at me, its going to be some hell, hopefully we will become civil and I will move out of her way, or we will end up exploding and ruining any chances of fixing whatever this is, I will stick to avoiding her, besides I still am not sure if she will even want to help out, she will probably do it for Rachel and Kurt I awkwardly chuckled

"well if she wants to she can" I said to Kurt and Rachel not looking at Quinn at all,

" I would love to help I wouldn't want to break Kurt and Rachel's hearts by refusing besides this is your big moment" Quinn said with fake enthusiasm. I knew Quinn well enough to know what's fake and what's not, so it hurt that she was only doing this for Kurt and Rachel even if I predicted it right form the start

"Great so you guys will come with me tomorrow at nine in the morning, be prepaired to bring your power on cuz we a gonna shows them how its done in lima heights" they all laughed, even Quinn which surprised me

"oh come on Satan we all know you do not come from Lima heights its just a threat you use to scare people who do not know you off" Kurt said

"well lets have it stick that way shall we, anyway I have to go to get some shut eye my body aches and I still need to go through yet another hell tomorrow goodnight guys" I said to them, we exchanged goodnights with Quinn and I still being awkward her giving me the cold shoulder and me breaking every minute, I changed into my Pj's thinking about the hell that is going to be in these next two months because of the new read haired Quinn who still acts like I do not exist, after tossing and turning about an hour I finally drifted off to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 **

Santana's POV 

My alarm went off in the morning, I was too tired and too heart broken too move out of my bed, but I had to, this was my big chance and I could not allow Quinn to ruin it for me just with her presence, I realized that I had an hour to get ready, so I got up quick, hoping that the others are still asleep so that I could shower quickly, I wanted to get to the dance studio an hour before them, the main reason being that I wanted to get out Quinn's way so we would not be awkward, so I slowly walked to the bathroom, and just some how that moment I knew someone had it out for me, because when I walked in the bath room I came face to face with a crying Quinn who was sitting on top of the toilet seat, I froze I had no idea what to do, my heart broke , when I saw her in such a state, what am I going to do, although she made me sad and angry I still felt for her and I never wanted to see her so sad

"don't you knock, and are you just going to stand there and watch me cry or are going to get out and give me privacy" she snapped at me okay I was beyond shocked, were had this Quinn come from, and way was she acting like this towards me, I decided that she wanted me to bite back and take the bait but I did not and took a deep breath and did what I had never done in ages to anyone

"I am sorry I just wanted to shower, I thought you guys were still sleeping so I assumed no one was in the bathroom, I will give you your space" now I am seriously losing my bad ass touch did I just apologize to Quinn, love sure does make people do crazy things

"don't bother I was just getting out anyway" Quinn said wiping away her tears , she still is giving me the cold shoulder, she gets out not even glancing my way, I let out a frustrated sigh and got in the shower

"would someone please tell me whats going on" I shouted to myself in the shower, wondering what made Quinn hate me so much, I have been beating myself up for months now and I am tired, I just showered and got ready and dressed and left the loft.

When I got to the studio I put on some music, which was my pain medication and started dancing trying to get the thoughts of Quinn out my head because they were going to be here in an hour and I needed to compose myself, after a few steps I looked up and saw my new close friend Jessie looking at me, I smiled at her through the mirror, she walked towards me and noticed that I was not my usual self

"hey whats wrong lopez" she gave me a sympathetic smile

"when you dance like this to sad music I know something is up" Jessie knew about the whole Quinn thing, we met at callbacks and she has been my friend ever since, although we tried sleeping with each other but stopped as soon as Jessie realized that I was distant, so instead of sleeping with me she talked to me and I cried in her chest the whole night with her rocking me back and forth, Jessie always told me that Quinn is a stupid girl to not realize how special I am, she called me the hot Latina, and from then on we became inseparable, even Kurt and Rachel loved her, they even said we would make a great couple, although Jessie is really pretty and a sweet looking brunette I just couldn't do that to her, because I knew if I dated her she would be a rebound and I did not want that she deserved far more better than a broken Lopez, she made me feel better and she made me very happy.

"Guess who is here and totally avoiding me" the moment she looked into my eyes she knew who I was talking about

"oh sweetie no, are you okay" she hugged me tighter and I just melted in her arms

"yeah I guess I am, but I am still heart broken you know jess, yesterday she did not even hug me or apologize for her odd behavior she just gave me a cold congratulations on my achievements in New York so far and acted like I was not in the loft, the worst part is that she is staying there for two months and that she is helping me with the play along with Kurt and Rachel, although I know that she did it for them which hurts, I cannot understand why she is acting like this towards me, what did I do TO DESERVE THIS" I shouted in Jessie's embrace

"oh God honey she is still acting like a total bitch, I still do not get why you fell in love with this girl , clearly she does not deserve you, I really whish you loved someone else" I nodded along with jess, she was right but the heart wants what it wants and then I continued telling her about this mornings encounter, she just looked and me with sympathy and held on to me tighter, it made me feel better a lot better

"listen if you do not want her here then I would gladly kick her ass out of here and all the way to new haven" I chuckled

"no jess its fine besides she is here because of Kurt and Rachel not me so be nice"

"hell no you did not just ask me to be nice to the girl who has been breaking my best friend's heart, look why don't you come and live with me for the next two months she is here, we will have fun, it will be like a sleepover, but a long one" ahh jess has always been a life saver,

"thank you so much jess I will be happy to escape the dragons claws" we laughed together

"but do not except me to be nice to her Lopez, when she walks through that door I will not even blink an eye she does not deserve someone who is nice to her" I just nodded my head because I knew there was no way I could stop jess from being a jerk to Quinn, I really hoped that no claws would come out I did not need any more drama in my life.

While I was still in jess's embrace a slow song came on and we just swayed to it, I felt safe, why couldn't it be like this with Quinn, why couldn't it be this easy I was thank full to have jess in my life because like Brittney she made it all look positive, we were so lost into the music and each other that we finally dazed out when we heard someone clear their throat, when Jess and I turned around we came face to face with a grinning Kurt and Rachel, and a cold face glaring Quinn, I was not sure if she was glaring at me or Jess, but I knew it was jess, but I wondered why would she glare at jess without even knowing her , I suspected jealousy but I did not want to loose it, no way would she be jealous, I knew why Kurt and Rachel were grinning like idiots ,

"WE KNEW IT ,it had to happen someday, you guys are finally together" Kurt said while Rachel was nodding along with him excited me and Jess just laughed at them totally embarrassed by their reaction

"no way I was just helping Santana with a dance number" jess admitted

"right, right you guys were holding each other so intimately for a dance number, we totally believe you, we still think jesstana is on" Rachel said I palmed my forehead and jess laughed at the nickname Kurt and Rachel had called us they thought it was magical I thought it was ridiculous

"what ever man hands just shut it and bring me my coffee" she just handed me my cup and handed Jessie hers and dismissed me quickly,

"whatever Santana, so anyway jess this is Quinn Fabray , Quinn this is Jessie Hamilton Santana's missus" Quinn was just glaring at jess and jess doing the same,

"nice to meet you miss Fabray, I have heard so much about you" jess said coldly still holding her glare on Quinn

"I would say the same except I haven't heard anything about you" Quinn said

"maybe if you kept in contact with Santana you would have" jess bit back, I totally wanted the ground to swallow me not only are the two women in my life glaring at each other but they clearly hate each other having just met one another.

"okaayy shall we get started" I said hoping to break the tension between Quinn and Jess, Kurt an Rachel were still trying to figure out what was going on but I decided I will tell them some other time

"the students will be here any minute so we can start kicking ass" and with that said, just on time the students entered and they assembled, we started rehearsing with Quinn, jess, Kurt and Rachel helping me out, we finished up by lunch time and we were tired when the students left we decided to go grab lunch, there was still some horrible tension between Jess and Quinn, they kept on throwing harsh comments to one another so I decided to stay on Jess's side to keep her occupied and away from Quinn, Kurt and Rachel did the same with Quinn, I really had no idea why Quinn was acting this way, because she could not be jealous at all, since she clearly showed that she could not give a damn about my life, so I decided to leave it be and find out later I had to confront her some time.

After a rather awkward lunch Jess decided to go back to her place and prepare it for me , so Kurt and Rachel said their goodbyes to Jess and Quinn could not care less, when the four of us got to the loft I decided to make a bee line to my room and pack all I needed for two months

"Santana I still do not get why you are leaving you can stay here, this is after all your home" Rachel asked me, she was frustrated, her and Kurt had followed me into my room while Quinn decide to go out and get some things for tonight's dinner which thankfully I will not be part of so I decided to sit them down and tell them everything that had happened between me and Quinn and my feelings for her, they were shocked, and I saw Rachel kinda cry, which broke my heart more, I do not want them to feel sorry for me I am Santana Lopez I will pull through eventually

"see that is why I can not be in the same room with her and that is why her and Jess had so much tension, although I do no think she was jealous since she clearly cut me out of her life, but do not worry guys you will see me everyday, just not here oaky, I just want to give her some space" I told them

"this is clearly a Quinn mechanism, don't you see she is probably pushing you away since you were the best thing that ever happened to her, Santana she does this, when something good comes into her life she blinks an eye to it, she does care because she would not have reacted that way towards Jess'' Kurt said to me

"listen guys I really wish that was true but I do not want to push and please do not confront her about this okay I will sometime" before anything could be said we heard the loft door open and close knowing it was Quinn.

"Hey guys I am back" Quinn announced, Kurt and Rachel left my room with me following behind with my suite case, they decided to leave because they had some errands to run, I knew what they were doing, I hugged them goodbye and they gave me a look before they left, I sighed knowing it had to happen sometime, the loft door closed and Quinn just made a bee line to the kitchen and I blocked her way

"don't you have to go to your girlfriend or something" her words were Venom I could here the anger in her words

"what do you want form me Quinn" I threw my hands in the air out of anger

"I want nothing from you Santana because you clearly build a life for your self here and I don't want to be part of it" I looked at her like she was crazy, anger bubbling up inside me I have had enough

" how dare you, first we had the most awesome night in our entire lives, and then you leave me there in bed alone and cold feeling like a cheap whore! You swore that it would not get awkward between us but after that you ignored me you cut me out of your LIFE COMPLETLEY, you called Rachel, Kurt and everybody else except me, do you know how it felt to feel like I have done something wrong to you, do you know the pain I suffered matter of fact the pain I still suffer when I see you easily communicate to everyone else BUT ME QUINN! " my anger was through the roof, she just started at me motionless with tears streaming down her face also tears streaming down my face, she tried to talk but I would not let her, I wanted to unleash everything onto her

"no you do not get to talk you get to listen, I cried day in and day out trying to think of something but I could not, Brittney said I should confront you hell even Jessie said I should but I could not and ever since yesterday you have been acting like a totally jack ass, your bitchy mood has brought nothing but pain in my heart, you have no right to be mad at Jess because she was there when you were not, she was the one to hold me while I was crying over YOU! MAYBE IF YOU WOULD HAVE NOT CUT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN A PART OF MY LIFE! But you decided otherwise, I give up I have no idea what to do maybe you could come to me when you have got your head out of your ass! And you know where you will find me"

and with that I picked up my suitcase not waiting to here any other word from her mouth I slammed the loft door closed and made my way to Jessie, when I got there I just threw my arms around her and cried the whole night with her soothing me and making me feel better. I was praying and hoping that the one sided confrontation I just had with Quinn would change things.


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors note:** thank you guys for all your support and reviews, this chapter is part 1 of Quinn's POV from the beginning of how it all started, and a special thank to ErosEternaGlee , I took your advice and I hope you keep on reading. I hope you guys enjoy it and hopefully give me some ideas how to tackle it.

**Quinn's POV**

_Flashback _

_I woke up from my slumber when I had my phone ringing, I felt very sore, I reached over the nightstand and realized that my mom was texting me asking me to come and say goodbye to her before I leave for school, I groaned and plopped back on my pillow when I realized that I was sore, all the memories from last night came flooding back in my mind when I realized that I was cuddled up to Santana, I smiled at the memories knowing how much I have always wanted to have Santana close to me this way, she looked so peaceful and so beautiful, her angelic features captivated me, I brushed one of her hair strands behind her ear. I was thinking about how in High School we used to fight so much and I was the cause of that, because I have had feelings for Santana ever since she was my best friend, I couldn't allow myself to fall for her, I knew that she could easily break my heart and I did not want that._

_I did what I do best and pushed her away, I tried bringing her down in high school, thinking it would hurt her and thinking it would break up our friendship so she could stay away from me, it did work for a few months, but I was broken when she stayed away from me, I dated the likes of Finn and Sam in order to fill the void that was missing, when she became my frenemie she took with her a piece of my heart, I did the dumbest things like sleeping with puck and getting pregnant, I remember that she gave me a hard time about it, I thought I could hate her, but I just couldn't It was hard. When she came out we were all happy for her, we helped her pull through and made her feel welcome, I knew about her and Brittney for a long time and it hurt, watching her love someone that was not me hurt, I remembered the time that we were in New York for nationals I cried to her and Brittney about not having someone to love me, I was actually crying for her to love me, but I couldn't let her know that, I decided against it, besides she looked very happy with Brittney so I let it be, its better to see someone you love be happy with someone else then be miserable, I could not tell Santana how I felt about her I thought of a lot of reasons why I shouldn't, being that she would laugh at me if I told her, or she would reject me and tell me that she loved Brittney , or she would think its just one of vindictive plans to break her and the main reason would be her breaking my heart,_

_Believe it or not Santana is the only person that really knew me, she could see beyond my façade, me and her were the same, I had to measure the good and the bad of being with Santana, and although I would finally be happy if we would be together, if we ever broke up my whole world would collapse, so I decided that its best if we stay friends, after rekindling our friendship and giving it a try, we would call each other endlessly and talk about our messed up love lives and her confusion about what she wants from life, she sounded really broken from her break up with Brittney and I wanted so bad to take the pain away from her heart, Santana is talented and she could be anything she wanted, she had the voice and the brains, I really felt like she was wasting her talents at Louisville , she was more than a cheerleader but I knew she stayed there because she was closer to Brittney, she feared that if she moved to New York she would lose her all together, but she finally came to her senses when she realized that Brittney was happy with Sam and that she had nothing more left in lima than her parents, I was proud of her._

_When I saw her arrive at the wedding yesterday, she looked breathtaking, but I had to keep my feelings in check, but when I saw her glancing at Britney and Sam while we were in church I saw a glint of sadness in her eyes, although she pretended to be fine, with her sarcastic comments and remarks I just knew that it was a Santana Lopez mechanisms, she never wanted to be emotionally venerable to anyone, so I decided to distract her and make her feel better, we danced, had fun and drank a lot, I was enjoying the moment like no other, this was my chance to tell her how I really felt about her, I flirted with her which shocked her and me, I guess the alcohol in my veins was making me very brave, when we slow danced it felt right the way her body melted into mine, I felt like holding her like that forever, I told her it was the fist time I danced with a girl and that I liked it, in fact she was the first and the only girl I ever wanted to slow dance with, we both decided to be bold and sleep with each other, I really wanted it to be forever, everything just felt right, they way she touched me and kissed my skin, it felt right, after our round of passion I deflected the situation and told her it was just a one time thing for me, I did not want to tell her how I felt, she agreed with me and we both agreed it would not be awkward between us, I really wanted her to know how this moment truly meant a lot to me but I just couldn't I became a coward._

_When I agreed to make it a two-time thing, she totally changed, she became soft with me, she was making love to me and making every moment count, I could feel what she felt, and I knew in that moment there might be hope after all, we got so lost in each other that after that we drifted of to sleep because we were tired, I vowed to myself that I was going to tell her how I feel the next morning, but now looking at her sleep, I realize that I couldn't , I did not want to be a rebound for Brittney, who she is clearly not over, I did not want her to break my heart, I knew that we would become toxic if we ever dated, we were one and the same, it wouldn't work, I just allowed myself that one moment of happiness, because I know she would never look at me that way, I was Quinn Fabray I knew nothing about love, and how to love, even my own daughter Beth cried when she was in my arms, which proved that I am empty inside, I even slept with my professor thinking he would leave me for his wife, boy was I wrong, I did the same with Puck, Finn and Sam, I am nothing but a cold hearted person I couldn't give Santana what she deserved, I just couldn't._

_I quietly slipped out of the bed and got dressed and before I left I crouched down on Santana's side _

_"I love you Santana if you only knew, but I just cant, I cant allow myself to love and be loved, I am afraid of a broken heart, but last night was the best moment of live, that was closest I could ever have come to share something intimate with you, please forgive me" I whispered quietly to her and then kissed her forehead, then I stood up and left, I ran like the coward I was, I cried the whole way to my room and then packed my over night bag and left the hotel, cried the whole way to my house thankfully when I got there my mom was still sleeping, so I quietly went to my room and cried my self to sleep because of a broken heart, and because I decided to be a coward and not tell the only girl I have ever loved how I really felt._

_I woke up at noon with a terrible head ache and puffy eyes, I heard my phone ring, and when I checked it I realized that I got 11 missed calls from Santana and 6 text messages, she was worried but I could not read them, I decided to delete them and erase my call history, I felt horrible and guilty, I left her there like some cheap whore, she will probably never forgive me _

_"I am sorry Santana I know I promised things wont be awkward between us but I just cant" I whispered to myself while staring at my phone, I knew that all of this was my fault, I brought myself in this situation, not Santana, I went downstairs and I saw my mom making breakfast, when she saw my state, she immediately embraced me, I just broke down in her arms, she whispered soothing words in my ear, my mom was always there for me, even when I was pregnant with Beth and my dad disowned me, we always understood each other even after my parents divorced I stayed with my mom, she knew about the Santana situation and always tried to make me tell her, after an hour of crying I told her everything, she gave me a look of sympathy and I knew what was coming _

_"Quinn why don you just tell her, you cant keep on letting your self live with this heart ache forever, why do you want to be like your father, why do want to be so closed off and empty, what if one day Santana gets married or goes away and has kids, will you watch her and keep on asking yourself what if, don't be that girl, don't be the what if girl, take a leap once in your life" deep down I knew she was right I knew but I couldn't let her words sink in, she was also right about another thing, I am like my father, closed off and empty, but I wanted to be the what if girl._

"_Mom I can not let myself fall for Santana, you know the only girl for her will forever be Brittney" _

_"from what you just told me Quinnie, I think Santana is over Brittney and she is probably feeling used where she is right now, you broke your promise to her" I really felt bad _

_"I know that mom I just cant, we are too much alike and I jus…t I just cant" I let out crying, my mom put her arms around my shoulders as I broke into sobs _

_" listen honey I know I can never convince you to man up and tell Santana how you feel, but I can tell you this, if you want someone who is safe then don't string your best friend along and take advantage of her, she has already been hurt once and hurting her will just cause you and her both damage, if you really think you cant handle being around Santana then its best if you let go of her, I know it will be hard to shut her out but it would be for the best, because one day all your feelings will erupt and you fall so deep and lose yourself, I do not want that for you, its either you tell her or you cut her out, its up to you baby"_

_ I thought long and hard about what my mother said, she was right, I have been through hell trying to hide my feelings for Santana, and if I continue being her friend and hiding them further I will end up loosing myself, and since I could not man up and tell her then I decided form that moment that I should cut her out of my life, I mean its for the best right, even though its going to kill me, I will eventually heal._

_After the long and hard talk with my mom I packed my bags and she took me to the train station. I just wanted to go back to new haven and forget about Santana and start a new chapter without her, once me and my mother said our goodbyes I got on the train and checked my phone again, Santana had been calling me forever and sending me texts, but I did not reply, I decided to listen in on one voicemail she sent me _

_"__**hey Q I was just wondering were you ran of to, because you left really early without saying goodbye, which made me wonder if I am that bad in bed (chuckles) anyway I hope you do get my calls and messages, I am heading to New York with lady Hummel, I hope you will call me when I get there, have a safe trip okay, love you take care of yourself Q" **_

_I heard her let out a disappointed sigh when she hung up, I wanted so bad to tell her the night was wonderful and that I will call her but I made up my mind, I just couldn't, silent tears ran down my cheeks as I looked through yesterdays photos that Santana took while we were together and then I deleted them, I couldn't even leave one, I had to, I am letting go of the love I never had, but will always remember. Its for the best I told my self._

_When I arrived in New Haven, I went straight to my dorm and removed any photos I had of Santana around my dorm, when my best friend Megan arrived that night, I told her everything and she comforted me, she always knew about Santana and about the whole Beth thing, she understood why I was doing what I did even though she felt sorry for Santana, she also supported me, for the past two weeks she was trying to make me feel better cracking up jokes and everything, whenever we would here my phone ring, we always knew it was Santana but she helped me ignore it _

_"you know Quinn if this is what love is I think I never want to fall in love" Megan once said to me, but I did not want her to feel that why because of my stupid mistakes I wanted her to find what I never had, after three weeks the calls from Santana stopped all together, but then I got calls from everybody else from glee especially Rachel and Kurt, at first I did not want to talk to them, knowing that they lived with Santana, because it would even break her heart even more, but I just couldn't ignore them, when they called telling me about their life in New York and telling me about Santana's progress It broke my heart that she had found happiness so quickly after I cut her out of my life, Rachel and Kurt would always gloat about how much she has changed and how much she is one of them now, bad ass Santana was no longer Badass, I was really happy for her._

_I always wondered if she ever found a girl in New York who would make her happy after the shit me and Brittney had put her through, but every time I thought about Santana with another girl it made my heart hurt, but I had to let go, after a month of moping around Megan took me out and made me change my hair, I dyed it red, she wanted to create the new Quinn and I really wanted to fell better, so I let her change me _

_"here is to the new Quinn" we toasted while we were at a frat party _

_"look at that Quinn someone is checking you out, Thomas the hot bachelor of Yale who can never be tied down to one girl is star struck by the new Quinn" Megan said as she nudged me towards him, he approached me and then I told myself what the heck why not _

_"hey my name is Thomas, how come I have never seen such a beautiful lady like you around campus" he said with his charming voice _

_"maybe its because of the new look she is spotting" Megan piped in before I could answer _

_"Megan!" I scolded her and before she could embarrass me any further I took Thomas by the hand and led him outside some where quiet _

_"I am Quinn by the way, sorry for my friend back there" he chuckled and I swore that if I was not so hang up on Santana I could have fallen for him right there and then,_

_ "nice to meet you Quinn, no need to worry I have a lot of embarrassing friends I know how you feel" we talked for hours, I instantly felt comfortable around him, we flirted a lot and then by the end of the night we exchanged numbers, it felt like he was my other best friend, but he was a guy._

_For two months me and Thomas were going out on dates and I accepted when he asked me to be his girlfriend, my gloom over Santana slightly disappeared, although I thought about her now and then, one day I got a call from Rachel telling me that Santana has this big event coming up and she is a nervous wreck but she wont admit it to anyone , she told me she was too stubborn to ask for help from her friends, that is the Santana I knew and loved _

_"please Quinn could you come to spend the summer with us in New York, you can even help her if you want, or if she allows any of us to, she is tired as hell, but you know Santana too bad ass to admit anything" I laughed when I heard how frustrated Rachel sounded, I really wanted to go but I just couldn't face Santana yet it wasn't time, and I couldn't break Rachel's heart by not coming, when I have been promising her and Kurt to stop by _

_"I am so sorry rach, try to get through to her okay I know how stubborn she can get, but I am sorry I cant come I have so much work to do over the summer" I knew she was disappointed _

_"when will you ever stop working Quinn, or are you avoiding to tell me something, anyway Jessie might me a great help, she and Santana have grown so close you would swear they are dating, but every time we ask her she denies it, even though she is always so happy around her" the minute Rachel started talking about this girl named Jessie I freaked my jealousy surfaced, but I ignored it I tried so hard to "oh" was my only answer to Rachel _

_"listen rach I have to go bye talk to you soon"._

_I tried not to sound to broken after Rachel hung up, but I was, someone made Santana happy and she seemed to have moved on with her life and found something big to do, I felt sick, all my hurt re surfaced again, after crying for what felt like forever I had to compose myself, I went to see Thomas on this great big date he was taking me, he was so sweet I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth, but after a while he saw that I was distant and he asked me what is wrong, I decided to suck it up and tell him everything, since he has been so good to me _

_"I am so sorry Thomas, but nothing has changed between us" he just stood there shaking his head " no Quinn clearly you are not over this Santana girl, and we cant happen" I was crying I was not sure if it was for Santana or Thomas but I could not let her ruin the one thing that is making me happy and that is making me forget her, Thomas made it easy for me to forget Santana and I was not letting one phone call ruin all of that _

_"look Thomas ever since the whole thing you have made me happy, you have been my great escape and I do not want to ruin what we have please lets forget about this" _

_"look Quinn I do not want to be your great escape, I love you I am in love with you and I want you to love me back, I don't want to be with you because you don't want to love Santana" he got closer and wiped away my tears _

_"look I want you to go to New York this summer and find closure with Santana, so you can truly move on and after that you can decide if you stay with her or you come back to me, I will be waiting I promise, but right now your heart does not belong to me and its not right, it feels like I am forcing you". I don't want you to hate me I want you to love me._

_After that we hugged each other and said goodbye, we kept a promise that if I come back we would be together officially, I made it to the dorm room and told Megan everything, she understood and helped me pack, and took me to the train station the next morning, she wished me good luck, and told me it was all going to be okay, I really wish that were true I was torn from the love I never had yet wanted with Santana and from the happiness that Thomas gave me, he made me realize I should stop being a coward and tell Santana the truth I closed my eyes hoping all will get better soon when I get to New York, it was now or never…_


	5. Author's note RIP CORY

It is so tragic to hear about cory's death, may God be with lea and cory's family, glee will never be the same , he will forever be remembered


	6. Chapter 5

Author's note: Thank you all for your continued support and your incredible reviews, now I know some of you do not like Megan because she made Quinn move on from Santana by pushing her into a new relationship, but you will understand her intentions as the story goes on, here is Quinn's Pov part2 of what happened from the beginning. This one is a bit long.

**Quinn POV**

_Flashback _

_When I got to New York, I took my luggage and hailed a cab to the loft, Rachel and Kurt had no idea I was coming and this would be a very big surprise considering it was a last minute decision, I was really nervous I was weighing all the things I will be saying to Santana when I get to the loft, I was scared I began to chicken out, I just could not do it I cant face Santana, because of the guilt of completely cutting her out of my life and because I am so hopelessly in love with her and I really do not want to be, because it is tearing me inside. When the taxi cab reached the loft I really felt like I wanted to tell the cab driver to turn around and drive me back to the train station, but then I thought about what my mom said and what Thomas said, so I paid the cab driver and quickly got out, I prayed to God that Santana would still talk to me because I had a lot to get out of my chest, I slowly dragged my suitcase up to the loft, my heart was beating so hard against my chest and my palms began to sweat, I felt all air leave my body, I knocked on the loft door and I prepared myself thinking that Santana is the one that was going to open the door but I quickly became relieved when I saw Rachel with a glee-full smile as she engulfed me in a bone crushing hug._

_OH MY GOD QUINN what are you doing here its nice to see you, I thought you were not coming, what changed your mind" I laughed at how excited she was to see me, she could not stop rambling as she dragged my suitcase in side the loft _

_"Kurt look who decided to visit New York" Kurt looked up and he immediately jumped up with excitement and hugged me _

_"hey Quinn how are you, you finally decided to come to New York, oh my gosh we have so much to show you" I grinned as I listened to their rambling about the mall, the park and fashion in New York , I was really glad that I still had my friends to make me feel better, Rachel and Kurt always had this thing that made people either get annoyed in their presence or get really entertained, and I was feeling entertained, but then everything flooded back into my mind, and I remembered the main reason I was here in the first place but I really could not tell Rachel and Kurt my dilemma, it was just too soon, I decided to tell them as soon as things with Santana are okay so I decided to lie to them _

_"I am really happy to be here, it was just a last minute decision because I felt really bad for always promising to come visit and never doing so, so here I am you guys have me for a whole summer if you do not mind" I saw them both grin and then they broke into squeals _

_"of course we are happy, like we said we have so much to do and so much to show you" Rachel says to me with excitement _

_"and you can really help us in convincing Santana to allow us to help her with the performance, since she refuses our help, because like she puts it Santana Lopez does not need any help" Kurt pipes in while using air quotes at his last statement mocking Santana, I totally knew were Kurt was coming from because Santana was indeed stubborn but was I really ready to face her, and could I even be in the same room with her without hating myself._

_Quinn really wanted to help them with the whole Santana situation but she also had her own Santana troubles _

_"well yeah if she allows me to" I let out a frustrated sigh as I told them _

_"oh come on Quinn you and Santana are alike you always have a way of keeping each other in check" Kurt said, I knew he was right, nobody in the glee club could actually deny that Santana and I were both alike, and we had a way of keeping each other's tempers in check but then again we would sometimes end up exploding which led to huge fights between us _

_"you know what you are right I will try to help you guys with the whole Santana situation, I mean what could really be the harm in trying" again they were burst into squeals, oh I knew that there was going to be a lot of harm in trying but I just said that to make Kurt and Rachel happy I really did not want to let them down besides I have to keep up this façade of letting them believe that I came to New York for them, when I really came to see Santana. I wanted to ask them where Santana was, even though I was dreading having to face her soon _

_"ahh talking about the badass queen herself how come she is not her" I asked _

_"oh you remember how we told you that she is making it big and how she is now such a busy bee, well right now wonder woman is still practicing at NYADA, we wont be surprised if she comes home at the wee hours of the morning and then leave again in the morning, these days she is only getting 3 hours of sleep" Kurt said _

_"and she still refuses our help" Rachel pipes in, I chuckled at how dramatic they were being, it felt like they were two parents with a frustrating teenage daughter._

_We sat down and talked for hours as Kurt and Rachel waited for Santana, I was secretly hoping that she would come home when we were asleep so I could dodge her I zoned out a bit when Kurt and Rachel were telling me about their life in NYADA which they described to be a thousand times better yet harder than high school, I knew Rachel had this big role on Broadway and that Kurt was still in between Vogue and school, but he was destined to become something big at Vogue, its not like I did not want to listen to their stories, it was the fact that I envied their lives, they were just breezing through college with out any personal difficulties in their way, although they still had their dilemmas with their high school sweethearts mine was the worst, I sometimes could not concentrate at Yale because I constantly thought about Santana, my potential relationship with Thomas was in ruins because of her, its like my whole life was on a stand still, I ran away from ohio to New Haven hoping to close the chapter of high school life, hoping to start fresh but I could not the past just came crawling back and I had to finally deal with it. I was busy practicing all the things I am going to say to Santana in my mind, but then Rachel took me out of my daze _

_"wow Quinn I like the new hair, it is really awesome what made you change it" Rachel asked me, I looked at her and Kurt who was also waiting for an answer, I had to lie to them, I couldn't tell them the truth behind the new Quinn _

_"well like I said a fresh start a new me, no more blonde locks for me" I said to them which was half true _

_"well we love it, speaking about dramatic changes Santana seems to have found herself a potential New York girlfriend" Kurt said to me and that moment I felt all air leave my body, it was like time had stopped. _

_I could not shake off what Kurt had just told me, about Santana finding a potential girlfriend, I was jealous and I was angry, although I had no right to be and before I could even comment Rachel piped in _

_"remember the girl I told you about Jessie Santana's new best friend, the girl she denies she is dating" I felt really sick I just nodded and put on a fake smile on my face, I felt like I was turning ghost white, I was mad at myself for thinking that cutting Santana out of my life was the best solution, I was mad for letting her slip out of my fingers, I dodged the one chance of finally telling her how I really felt about her and now she found comfort in another girl's arms, I just sat there and listened to them go on and on about Jessie, how she was pretty and funny and absolutely over protective of Santana, I felt hatred for Jessie even though I haven't met her yet I felt like she had taken the most important thing in my life away from me, but I should be blaming my self as I was the one who pushed Santana into this girl's arms, I was fighting a loosing battle for the love I never had but I always wanted, I couldn't bear to listen to how great Jessie was I quickly excused myself I needed fresh air, I needed to breath _

_"excuse me guys I need to go to the rest room" they both nodded as I quickly made my way to the bathroom, after I closed the door I broke down into sobs I really hated myself._

_After a while of crying, I fixed myself up so that Rachel and Kurt would not be suspicious, I thank God for my new hair color because it complemented my red cheeks, so it would not be obvious that I was crying my eyes out, I came here to get closure but I am just crumbling at the mere fact that Santana has found some new girl who she might or might not be dating, none the less she is happy and it does not sit well with me because I want to be the only reason for her happiness, but I made myself the reason for her sadness, I decided not to confront Santana right away and I will just keep on giving her the cold shoulder while I am here until I come to terms with the war inside my heart, I was not ready yet, I was stupid to ever think I was ready to tell her everything, it made me sad that she was able to build a life without me in it, besides I had a whole two months I could tell her as time comes, so for now I will just put up my best cold Façade on Santana, although it was going to be killing me inside. _

_I quickly got out of the restroom and joined Rachel and Kurt in the kitchen, as I walked in they gave me a glass of wine which I really needed and then I started talking about my life at Yale as I left out the Thomas part, I was glad that we were able to have a good laugh for a few moments, but that ended when I heard the loft door open and I saw Santana walk In looking beautiful as always, my heart started to beat faster, I pretended not to have seen her walk in, although by her reaction I knew she saw me looking at her, we locked eyes for a moment and at that time I really wanted the ground to swallow me up, guilt and hurt flashed through my eyes and then I decided to avoid her gaze._

"_oh my Santana you are finally home and look who is here" Rachel beamed with excitement although Santana's eyes told a different story, I saw anger and hurt I mean why wouldn't she be angry at me I treated her like a cheap whore so I did what I did best, I gave her the cold shoulder _

_"Oh hi Santana lovely to see you again after a long time, I heard a lot of good things about your progression in New York, congratulations are in order, you are finally not throwing your life away" I said to her after that I turned back to look at Kurt, I did not want to face her yet I did not want to be rude and not talk to her which would raise suspension from Kurt and Rachel I could already feel the thick tension in the air I felt like a total jackass, I mean after cutting her out for 4 months that's the best I can say, my mother was right I am allowing myself to be empty like my dad _

_"thanks_ _Q, its good to see you again, long time no see huh" she said to me although hurt was evident in her tone, I knew Santana better than anyone, she was faking her enthusiasm because she was hurt and that made me feel even more bad so bad that when she walked to the fridge to get a bottle of water I did not want to look at her I was a coward I could not look her in the face_ _ she stood in the middle of me and Kurt and I could not breathe I needed air_

_It was silent for a while when Kurt decided to cut through the tension _

_"so Santana how is everything going" I knew Him and Rachel had planned to do this so that they can get her to cave in to help her, I could see her wanting to avoid my gaze I mean why wouldn't she "well everything seems to be going okay, I just need to push the people I am working with a little harder, they are just lazy, I need to unleash some aunty snix on them to get them to wake up, because I am getting tired and this thing is 4 days away, and the teacher is unleashing hell on me, she reminds me a bit of coach Sue" she replied Rachel and Kurt Laughed although we both were skating on thin ice with each other Santana always managed to brush everything off and make people laugh even when she was down , I loved that quality about her _

_"well if you wanted us to help we could" Rachel offered, I was hoping Rachel would forget I ever offered to help, because right now I wanted to back down more than ever _

_"okay hobbit you and porcelain can come and help" they squealed and jumped up and down as they hugged Santana, in all my life I never thought that these three would actually turn out to be great friends because of all our little history in High school I was praying in my mind that they wouldn't bring up my name in the little list of helpers but I was wrong because what Rachel said made me wonder if God ever does answer my prayers _

_"Quinn too right, oh my God we have so many ideas and since she is going to be here for the next 2 months we will all team up together to make it awesome" she was too excited Kurt also and I could not have the heart to let them down _

_"well if she wants to she can" Santana said without even looking at me, I knew that deep down inside she wanted me to say yes to prove to her that I still cared about her, _

_"I would love to help I wouldn't want to break Kurt and Rachel's hearts by refusing besides this is your big moment" I said, I felt like kicking myself, because when I saw the disappointment in her eyes I regretted making it sound like I was only helping her because Kurt and Rachel wanted me to. I am such an idiot._

"_Great so you guys will come with me tomorrow at nine in the morning, be prepaired to bring your power on cuz we a gonna shows them how its done in lima heights" she said, we all laughed because we knew that her lima heights talk was just to threaten people because she had never set foot in that part of town she literally lived in the same neighborhood, _

_"oh come on Satan we all know you do not come from Lima heights its just a threat you use to scare people who do not know you off" Kurt said , which was true but she would never want anyone to find out she still had her badass image to protect _

_"well lets have it stick that way shall we, anyway I have to go to get some shut eye my body aches and I still need to go through yet another hell tomorrow goodnight guys" She said, I know she is mainly going to sleep because of my presence and that she wants to stay out of my way for things not to be awkward between us, it was like we were both holding on to a tiny string of hope, as we exchanged goodnights, Rachel and Kurt offered me Rachel's bed and they said they would sleep together, I was grateful because I wanted to just cry myself to sleep and being alone was what I needed right now. _

_I quickly changed into my Pj's and the moment my head hit the pillow I broke into sobs, I hated myself for being an ass to Santana I felt like I was loosing myself in my emotions I was becoming someone very different, I just wanted my life to end because the pain was too much to bear, Santana was my everything, she was the love of my life even though I am not sure she felt the same way about me which made all of this suck, I cried myself to sleep hoping these two months will be bearable._

_I woke with a huge headache at about 7 in the morning, I then remembered that I was on a mission, on a mission to tell the girl I will never have why I acted like such a cold jackass towards her, I knew it would take forever for Santana to forgive me nor even listen to my excuses, I would really be grateful if she did, I went to the restroom to splash my face with water, I needed it, all these emotions were taking a toll me, I sat on the toilet sit and broke into sobs wondering why I am holding on to this, is it worth the heartache was it worth the pain, I needed the hole in my heart to be gone, I wanted to not be broken, I wanted Santana in my life, I wanted her to Stay. _

_I sat there for a while crying my eyes out when suddenly the bathroom door opened and then my worst nightmare entered, Santana, even in the morning she still looked beautiful as ever, I saw the worry in her eyes as she looked at me, I know she wanted to do something, but considering how I had been acting lately she did not know what to do, she just stood there rooted in one spot looking at me with sympathy, I did not want to be this exposed to Santana, I did not want her to see me so weak and helpless, I wanted her to get away from me because I was toxic, even though at that moment I really wanted her to hold me in her arms and comfort me, I did what I do best, I shut her out _

_"don't you knock, and are you just going to stand there and watch me cry or are going to get out and give me privacy" I snapped at her, I really am an asshole, but Santana would never be safe around me, she could never love someone like me ever what I heard next made me even a bigger asshole _

_"I am sorry I just wanted to shower, I thought you guys were still sleeping so I assumed no one was in the bathroom, I will give you your space" she apologized to me, she really did not want to get in my way, she really has changed into a better person, which made me even love her more , as she was about to walk out of the bathroom I stopped her _

_"don't bother I was just getting out anyway" I said wiping my tears away, I could not even be in the same room with her without having to feel like a complete ass, I quickly got out and got back to bed and just laid motionless, even though I pushed her away sometimes I wish she would just fight me, fight for me and Stay. _

_I heard the loft door close knowing she just left, I decided to go take a shower before Rachel and Kurt woke up and saw me In this kind of state, I was not ready to answer any questions, after the shower Rachel and Kurt wake up _

_"hey sleeping beauty how are you this morning "Kurt asked me I smiled up at him _

_"morning Kurt, morning Rach I had a great sleep how about you guys_

_ "ahh we are used sharing a bed so we slept okay" Rachel told me. I really felt bad that I had taken Kurt's bed away from him and made him sleep with Rachel _

_"any way where is Santana Quinn" Rach asked me _

_"oh she left early this morning, my guess is that she is already at NYADA" I told them feeling a pang of guilt, knowing what happened between us this morning _

_"well lets get ready then we have to leave, we will get breakfast and coffee on the way because we have not bought any groceries and knowing Santana she might have not even had breakfast yet, she needs the energy" Rachel said sounding like a concerned mother, nodded agreeing with Rachel although I was at crossroads with Santana I was still concerned about her well being from what I had gathers last night she has been over working herself and sometimes forgetting to eat, _

_I did not want her to collapse I did not want to lose her , so Kurt and Rachel quickly got ready and we stopped by a diner to get breakfast and Coffee to go, when we arrived at NYADA I marveled at how big and wonderful it looked, even Yale did not top this, of course it had to this was were all the magic happened, this was were all our future movie stars, Broadway stars and musical stars were produced, and Santana was quickly becoming one, and I was truly happy for her._

_When we walked up the stairs to the dance class, I heard A thousand Years playing, that song always broke my heart because it spoke to me even though I had no courage to tell Santana how I felt about her yet, I knew that I have always loved her and I will always love her, _

_it felt like I had loved her for a thousand years I know it sounds cheesy, but it is sadly true, when we reached to the door, what I witnessed shattered my heart into a million pieces, Santana was slow dancing with a girl I would presume is Jessie, she was calm and relaxed in her arms, It hurt me that I could not do that for her I was the one she was supposed to be slow dancing with not her,_

_ I wanted to rip off Jessie form Santana, I immediately felt hatred towards Jessie, I mean could you blame me, she was holding Santana so close to comfort, it looked like they had been together for years , why couldn't it be easy like that between us, I really felt like I was loosing all sight of Santana, I had fear that she would be gone with just a blink of an eye, Rachel cleared her throat, I looked over to her and Kurt as I saw them grinning, because they had been speculating this hookup for months now and they were finally right _

_"WE KNEW IT ,it had to happen someday, you guys are finally together" Kurt said while Rachel was nodding along, Jessie and Santana looked like Kids that were caught with their hands in the cookie jar, I wanted so bad to control my jealousy but I couldn't I just gave Jessie a cold glare._

"_no way I was just helping Santana with a dance number" jess admitted I really wanted to go over there and slap the slyness out of her _

_"right, right you guys were holding each other so intimately for a dance number, we totally believe you, we still think jesstana is on" Rachel said I cringed at their couple's nickname, no matter how many time Santana had denied to be dating Jessie to Rachel and Kurt, I still believed that there is something going on, considering what we just witnessed, it really sucked, I seriously wanted the ground to swallow me whole, _

_"what ever man hands just shut it and bring me my coffee" Santana said to Rachel hoping to diffuse the tension and any speculation about her and Jessie being an item which I refused to believe, Rachel as always ignored Santana's snarky comments, knowing that she was just using it as a defense mechanism _

_"whatever Santana, so anyway jess this is Quinn Fabray , Quinn this is Jessie Hamilton Santana's missus" Rachel said introducing us, I had no interest in knowing Jessie, instead I really wanted her to crawl back from which ever whole she came from, she is making this situation a whole lot worse, but I had to keep it civil I put on my fake smile holding a glare onto Jessie, she was also doing the same to me _

_"nice to meet you miss Fabray, I have heard so much about you" jess said coldly still holding her glare on me , I knew from what she said that Santana has probably told her everything, I did not want her to intimidate me so I decided to bite back _

_"I would say the same except I haven't heard anything about you" I said to her, even though I have heard a lot about her I wanted nothing to do with her I really hate her with a passion _

_"maybe if you kept in contact with Santana you would have" jess bit back, even though she was right and I felt slightly Guilty that Santana was finding comfort in her arms because of what I did I really wasn't going to let her figure me out and judge me if she wanted to fight, I will fight after all I was Quinn Fabray._

"_okaayy shall we get started the students will be here any minute so we can start kicking ass" Santana said, it was evident that she was trying to cut through the tension in the room which was also obvious to Kurt and Rachel, so I decided to break my cold stare from Jessie as the students walked in, we started practicing with them helping them out, I dreaded being in the same room with Jessie, but this was war, a territorial war, if she thought she could just come and mark her territory over Santana she was very much mistaken, we kept on exchanging harsh comments and keeping up our death stare contest, if looks could kill we would be both dead, _

_Rachel and Kurt were trying their best to keep me away from Jessie and Santana was doing the same With Jessie Keeping her away from me, Santana had announced that she would be staying with her for the next two months and I knew why, because she wanted to be out of my way but now I wanted her close more than ever, knowing that she was going to stay with Jessie made me sick to my stomach, God knows what will be happening at night between them, I did not even want to think about it, I went to the store to go get ingredients for dinner and to get away from Santana, after shopping I went back to the loft hoping that I would grow the courage to fight for Santana as she has clearly given up._

_When I got to the loft I announced my presence thinking that Santana had left but when I saw the three of them exiting form Santana's room I knew something was up, Kurt and Rachel left me and Santana alone, I knew from that moment that Santana must have told them what really happened between us and why I was acting that way towards Jessie, I really prayed that Rach and Kurt would find it in their hearts to forgive me for lying to them. I was angry at Jessie and hurt at the fact that Santana had found someone new, I had lost my best friend and I was really mad I tried moving to the kitchen to avoid her gaze but then she blocked me I knew that it was now or never and I did not want her to be the first to confront me _

_"don't you have to go to your girlfriend or something" my words were filled with anger they were like venom and the I saw the hurt in her eyes again as I turned towards the kitchen table turning my back from her, I was really not_ _ready for this _

_"what do you want form me Quinn" she threw her hands in the air out of anger" I knew this had to happen sometime and I knew that she was about to explode_

_ "I want nothing from you Santana because you clearly build a life for your self here and I don't want to be part of it" I said to her knowing very well I really wanted to be a part of her life, I wanted to so bad but I was a coward, I saw the cold look in her eye and the anger bubbling up inside of her I closed my eyes bracing myself for what's to come, for what she had been holding in her chest in a while now and I knew that it was not going to end well, I prepared myself for all the words she was going to throw at me and all the names she was going to call me, I was ready , I could not shield myself, all I could just do now was listen_…..


	7. Chapter 6

THIS chapter is also Quinn's Pov but it is now the present after the whole confrontation with Santana.

**Chapter 6 **

**Quinn pov**

I stood there rooted at the spot, crying my eyes out, I had no idea that Santana went through hell because of me, that the reason she was now with Jessie was because of me, all the guilt of ignoring her and cutting her out of my life and the way I acted towards Jessie flooded back in and it hit me like a wave , but not in a good way, I knew she might have been upset about the whole me cutting her out thing but hearing her say it was like a knife cutting through my hearts, all the memories of her confronting me and shouting at me came flashing back, I cried because she cried the whole time, this had clearly taken a great big toll on her,

I felt like an ass, I was the reason for her pain for the past four months, I was the reason she cut me out of her life as well , what was wrong with me, I need to fix this , and I need to fix it now, I quickly fixed myself up and ran out of the loft, texting Rachel and asking her to give me Jessie's address, all the questions will be answered later, right now I needed to see Santana, Rachel texted me the address no questions asked and I hailed a cab, ready to go face Santana, I was now willing to go fight for her, I was tired of the war inside my heart I wanted it to end and I knew that Jessie will give me a hard time when I show up at her doorstep un announced.

I got out of the cab and slowly took in the surroundings, Jessie lived in the nice part of New York, it was quiet and very discreet, I am just glad that Santana is somewhere safe although I really wished that she was sleeping at a hotel because to get through the door I had to face Jessie and knowing very well how we treated each other this morning it wont be a pleasant reunion between us,

I got in the elevator and slowly went up to the apartment praying and hoping that Jessie will not be there, as I was about to knock on the door but my heart was beating fast against my chest, I wanted to turn around and leave but no I was here so I should just get on with it, I knocked on the door, ready to take what will be handed to me, when Jessie opened the door, I was met with her cold stare I seriously doubted that God ever answered my prayers, if looks could kill I would be dead right now, but I did not come here to fight I came here to see Santana , but she was not having it

" oh look who it is the bitch, come to destroy my friend's heart again Quinn or haven't you had enough, do you want it on a silver platter" her words cut, they hurt and I knew she was right, I had no answer I just stood there and broke into sobs, I saw her look at me with a little bit of sympathy as she shook her head, she gently pulled me in her apartment and led me to the kitchen and gave me a glass of water, now I know why Santana liked her, she was a nice girl and I felt Guilty for ever doubting her and treating her like a bitch, I did not deserve her kindness.

"Look I seriously have no idea what is going on between you and Santana, but this shit is just messed up, she has been an emotional wreck for these past months, even before I met her and now you are also here breaking into sobs, I seriously do not know what is happening, although I love Santana and I would do anything for her, I still feel a bit bad for you, seeing you like this makes me think that there is more to this story than I think,This does not mean I totally trust you and forgive you, but I am kind of sorry for treating you so badly, a story always has two sides and I did not bother listening to yours because Santana was hurting and I was being all teriitorial" Jessie confessed,

I really did not need an apology from her because it made me feel even worse, but I could not even blame her for not trusting me and wanting to protect Santana, she is a way better Best friend to her than I could ever have been, and she was right about one thing a story has two sides and I was all but ready to explain my side to Santana if she was willing to listen.

I let out a frustrated sigh

"you are right I am sorry for the way I treated you, and I seriously think you should not apologize to me I was wrong, I hated you from the go because you were making Santana happy , and I wasn't , they way Kurt and Rachel gushed about you made me really mad and the fact that I saw how comfortable and easy she was with you, cut deep and it hurt, it hurt so bad that I wanted to kill you but not literally, I just wanted to be the one to make her happy but instead I destroyed her" I told Jess, I saw her facial expressions, its like she was trying to take all this in

"then why tell me why you made her cry so much and you cut her out of your life, if you love her so much why hurt her" Jessie asked me , I sighed and I told her everything from what happened at the weeding to the talk with my mom, but I did not tell her about Thomas I skipped that part, I did not want to add fuel to the fire

"so after Rachel's phone call, with her telling me about you I decided to come to New York and not live in my misery at New Haven, I wanted to get Closure , she looked like she sympathized with me but it seemed that she was not buying it one bit, after all she was looking on at Santana's best interest

"that's bull shit if YOU SAY YOU LOVE SANTANA SO MUCH THEN WHY DID YOU HURT HER, I UNDERSTAND ALL THE PAINS THAT YOU WENT THROUGH ALL YOUR LIFE TRUSTING NO ONE BUT WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SANTANA WOULD TREAT YOU LIKE THAT" she was mad, she was defending her best friend, but I also wanted to defend myself, Jessie had no idea what it was like being me

" LOOK alright I wanted to, I wanted to so bad, but do you know what it feels like being empty inside, not knowing how to love or even how to be loved, I never once in my life experienced those giddy feelings that people get when they are in love, in stead I had to watch the one person I loved be happy with someone else, I was a coward okay, I still am I CAN NEVER GIVE SANTANA WHAT SHE DESREVES I AM TOXIC AND I AM AFARID OF A BROKEN HEART , SHE KNOWS ME SO WELL THAT I KNOW SHE IS THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF BRAKING MY HEART, my daughter even proved that I am empty, because the moment I held her she became fussy, its like she did not want me to hold her , what makes you think Santana would ever love me!? " I was angry, angry at myself and angry at Jessie for not understanding my dilemma,

She chuckled out bitterly

"so what you decide to run with out giving her a chance and hurting her more, THAT WAS A COWARDLY MOVE FABRAY!" Jessie shouted at me

" I KNOW OKAY,I KNOW running is the only thing I am good at, I am a coward and I AM NOT PROUD OF IT, THAT IS WHY I THINK SANTANA IS NOT SAFE AROUND ME, I LOVE HER GOD DANMT , I love her so much it hurts inside, it tears me apart to not be able to tell her that, but I am so tried of being caught in an emotional web I just want to tell her but every time I try I cant, its like the words get stuck in my mouth, I want her to be happy so bad that I would exchange my life on earth for her happiness, AND I AM SCARED, I AM SCARED OF HER REACTION BECAUSE ONCE SHE TELLS ME SHE DOES NOT FEEL THE SAME MY WHOLE WORLD WOULD COLLAPSE, I AM BETTER OFF DEAD THAN KNOWING HOW SHE FEELS, AND I KNOW SHE MIGHT NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY!" I cried to jess, before she could even reply someone interrupted us

"How do you know how I feel if you haven't even asked" my whole world came to a stand still as me and Jessie turned around to see Santana with tears in her eyes, it was obvious to both of us that she had heard our argument and everything I said, I felt my legs turn into jelly as she walked towards me and Jessie, I had no words, and when she came nose to nose with me I felt all air leave my body and our tears could not stop coming out.

"HOW would you know Fabray huh, when you were acting like a coward and running all the time, you thought what you did made me happy" she was angry and hurt she poked my chest with her fingers between words letting out all her anger

"YOU DINT EVEN TALK TO me, it HURT, IT HURT SO BAD AND FOR MONTHS FABRAY FOR MONTHS! And now it is my turn to walk away because you didn't even give me a chance, you made up you own conclusions and you cut me out " and with that she left Jessie's apartment she slammed the door behind her and I broke into sobs, I could tell that Jessie was torn between chasing after Santana and staying with me, but she decided to embrace me and sooth me, I felt like my whole world had come to an end, I finally made Santana ran from me, my one fear came true and it was all because of me…..


	8. Chapter 7

_**Author's note**_**: I am backkk its been a while and I would like to apologize for waiting so long, here in another chapter for STAY, I have been working on a new story Raising Lilly I just posted it Today right at this moment, and I am still working on this Story and Lego house, I have 13 more new Quinntana stories to post, I think the world needs more Quinntana because Rivergron is awesome!.**

Chapter 7 

Santana's Pov

I was walking down the streets of New York I was busy crying, I was really mad, so mad at Quinn, words could not describe how I really felt, I waned to punch a wall or something, I thanked God that she did not follow me because I needed to be alone, it was windy and there was lightning it looked like it was going to rain and I couldn't care less all the emotions I had were too much too bear, I put my phone on silent wanting to ignore any calls I received from my friends and Quinn, look I get that she wanted to cut me out of her life because she could not allow herself to love me, I found it pretty selfish I mean she could not allow herself one moment of happiness, I know she had issues and I was never there to help, but after the wedding she could have talked to me instead of running out on me like a coward, all this time I thought I was the one at fault but not really, it was all Quinn's making, but why am I feeling so guilty, is it because I treated Quinn like shit in high school so much she could not even admit that she had feelings for me, or is it because I was with Brittney all the time oblivious to the fact that I still had a friend named Quinn, who probably needed me more than ever in High school, but no she is the one that pushed me away I should not feel sorry for her I cant, I needed a drink and I needed one now.

I entered callbacks knowing it's the last place I should be, but maybe all the karaoke singing will cheer me up a bit, even if some of it sucks, I quickly wiped away my tears as I entered the bar and headed straight towards the bar area to get a drink, I ordered o strong tall glass of vodka, I took a sip and it burned in a good way, it was burning all my emotions away and just when I thought I was alone I heard my name being called in a far away distance I turned to see who it was and then I realized that it was Kurt and Rachel, they waved me over as I walked towards them, hoping that they would at least cheer me up "Santana what's wrong did Quinn finally find you" Rachel asked me with concern written all over her face and Kurt's

"Yep she did, actually I found her before she could tell me anything" they looked at me puzzled

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean Hummel is that she came and her and Jessie had it out and I heard a few things that made me angry and I just bolted out of there, I just couldn't face her " I told them as I sighed in disappointment

"Tana what is it, what did Quinn say that got you all so gloomy and mad" Rachel asked me I decided to tell them everything that happened and the argument that Jessie and Quinn had "and that's the reason she decided to cut me out of her life forever, but you know if she only talked to me and faced me but nooo she just had to be a coward and run" I slammed my hand on the table loudly startling everyone.

"okay come down Santana, maybe you should have given Quinn a chance to talk instead of bolting out of there it was your chance to show her that you are not a coward any more I mean every time one of you keeps running, how will you be able to resolve your issues if your both so hard headed" ? I knew Kurt had a point, as I looked at them directly, Kurt and I noticed that Rachel was white as a ghost; she had the guilty face like she knew something was up

"What is it berry it looks like you just saw a ghost" she seriously looked like she was deeply thinking about something,

"I have a confession to make and please don't be mad at me Santana just listen" I looked at her curiously wondering what she had to tell me that made her so nervous to say it I then looked at Kurt who looked like he knew what Rachel was about to say

"oh no are you going to tell her , I do not think that it is a good idea" Kurt asked Rachel with a concerned look

"Tell me what?"

"I have to Kurt I think it's for the best"

"Tell me what god demit" I asked I bit angry this time

"I do not think Quinn will like that" Kurt told Rachel

"if some one does not tell me what is going on right now I will seriously punch some one" I said out of anger, finally getting their attention

Rachel looked at me, taking a deep breath "okay it was ages ago when we were in high school before graduation after the nationals I was with Quinn the night before the ceremony when I found something I shouldn't have found out"

_Flashback_

_Rachel's POV _

_I was at Quinn's house the night before the graduation I was just here to run through her valedictorian speech, she had graduated top of the class like she hoped she would, she is a hard worker always getting what she wanted maybe that's why we grew closer towards the end of high school although we don't have so much of a great history because we spent the better half of it fighting over Finn but we had become really good friends "so Rach I am going to go down and get some snacks okay" "okay Quinn" I agreed we needed a break and she was so nervous but she would never admit it she was Quinn Fabray after all so I decided to go through the speech myself and see if it needed any improving I grabbed a bunch of papers thinking it was her speech but when I looked at it, it had SANTANA written across it with big bold letters, I did not want to read it but my eyes decided other wise, I thought it probably might be a letter spewing hate or sarcasm since those two had a very odd friendship that no body ever got and It was probably because they were one and the same they got each other some how I decided to read the letter _

"_**Santana I can never find the words to say to you on how I really feel about you, I have hidden it for so long that I really couldn't get It out of my mind, I have loved you from the very moment I met you, at first I thought I was nuts, but my heart just gave into you at first I tried to ignore it but the more I did the more I pushed you away which was killing me, the reason we have been arguing and all the previous fights we had was because of me and my selfish reasons, I thought if you could not love me then at least you would hate me, I know its sounds stupid but it was just my mechanism.**_

_**I really never knew what happiness was, I mean I used all the boyfriend I had I gave up Beth and tried to take her away from a happy home that was already created for her, she cried when she was in my arms showing me that I do not have the capability of loving someone or something, seeing you with Brittney is probably the most painful thing I had to endure every day but when I saw you happy I resisted telling you my feelings for you, first of all you would have laughed at me or called me vindictive or you would have just insulted me.**_

_**I have been through a lot this year and falling in love with you and keeping it a secret was more painful than having the car crash, that moment we had on stage at prom was the closest I could get to you without hurting, besides I think we wouldn't last, we are very much the same and together we would be explosive, but I love you none the less and I could not give you what Brittney gave you, when your reading this and If you are just in case you dint chuck it in the bin when you saw it was from me, just know that I have always loved you Santana and that I will always love you, and I would like you to forgive me for being mean to you for the last years, I had my reasons, I love you Santana Lopez, you are amazing, I love you because you have a feisty personality and that you don't want anybody to think you are sappy although you are sometimes, I love your voice, you can sing and I love it when you do, you are talented and brave and I hope you find what you love doing because I know when you are determined you don't stop at anything un like me who is a coward.**_

_**I love you Santana and I hope after reading this letter I hope you can forgive and that we can still be friends.**_

_**P.S you are the love I always wanted but could never have **_

_**Your frenemie and hopefully best friend Quinn.**_

_I was shocked I could not believe that Quinn had been In love with Santana all along , was she really going to gibe her the letter , put I away quickly when I heard her coming back up, I decided to leave it alone and that it was between her and Santana I just hoped it would turn out okay for her, I felt really bad for her I never knew she thought she was incapable to love and make someone happy, maybe this letter might just change things._

_End of flash back_

Santana's Pov

I cannot believe this Rachel knew all along and she did not tell me I was mad at her too, for both of them for keeping this from me "I cant believe you guys you actually knew all along and you did not tell me" I was angry and I didn't care if the whole bar had heard

"calm down Santana, I really thought she had given you the letter"

"and besides San what would you have done huh what would have been your response if she had really given you the letter, you were still with Brit then, would you have really left her for Quinn and most importantly would you have really believed Quinn, without doubting her words" I get Kurt was right but still I was mad, mad like the thunder that was raging outside

"still I trusted you guys, I really did but you knew all along you are worse than her" I was about to walk out when I saw a tired Quinn with puffy red eyes and a baffled Jessie standing next to her, Jessie made a beeline straight to Rachel and Kurt, were they all stood waiting for the next move, all air left my body when I saw Quinn, I really felt sorry for her at some point but I wanted to break when I saw her I just walked past her thinking about the letter Rachel had told me about that she had written in High School for me "san" she held my wrist and I just yanked it away "no don't"

"San wait will you, just let me explain to you okay" it was now starting to rain and I didn't care"

"explain what Quinn, how pushed me away all these years and how you felt like you couldn't give me the letter you wrote to me before graduation, yeah Rachel just told me, I am mad Quinn, I am mad at you for not telling me how you felt, sure I wouldn't have reacted in the best way back then but it is now, after the night at Mr shue;s wedding I fell for you, I fell hard, but you felt like just pushing me away huh instead of talking to me"

"Santana listen" it was raining and I was crying keeping a distance between us but she just walked forward and grabbed me I tried to fight her but she just held me closer "no I don't want to listen I don't, It hurt Quinn for months, it hurt"

" and I didn't I loved you for years thinking I could never give you what you deserved I was scared, scared to love, I am sorry, for the pain I caused you, I am sorry for what I did to you, but now I am tried I do not want to fight any more I do not want to wonder what might have been, I want to start over I want this, we can talk about everything form the start I do not care, I finally want to admit it, I am in love with you Santana Lopez" before I could reply she crashed our lips together, the pouring rain and our tears mixing in the kiss, but it felt so magical, I really wanted to pull away but I couldn't….

**Authors note: there is more angst to come, not a happy ending yet, till next time!**


End file.
